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Jackie throws a Shiznit on Starbucks


I love this.
  A Dissent on Starbucks by Jackie Mason
  Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means
  nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for because there are
  French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop,
  that's 60 cents.   But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier:
  $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.
  Why does a little cream in  coffee  make it worth $3.50? Go into any
  coffee shop; they'll give you all  the cream  you want until you're blue
  in the face.  Forty million people are  walking  around in coffee shops
  with jars of cream:  "Here's all the cream you want!"  And it's still 60
  cents. You know why?  Because it's called "coffee."  If it's  Cafe Latte
  - $4.50.
  You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for  cinnamon in a coffee shop;
  they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask  you for  more
  money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your
  coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it. But not in
  Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a
  regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you
  drop  dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee
  until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more
  coffee, you  want  more, you want more?" Do you know that you can't get
  a refill at Starbucks?  A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50.
  Three refills, $19.50.  So, for four cups of coffee - $350.
  And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest
  about it. If you get burnt coffee in a  coffee shop, you call a cop. You
  say, "Oh,  it's a blend. It's a blend."   It's a special bean from
  Argentina..... " The bean is in your head.
  And there're no chairs in those Starbucks.  Instead,  they have these
  high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that
  high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and
  climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the  top,
  they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one
  little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,
  excuse me....."  Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging
  Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
  Do you remember what a cafeteria  was? In poor neighborhoods all over
  this country, they went to a cafeteria  because there were no waiters
  and no service. And so poor people could save  money on  a tip.
  Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They  gave
  coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less  for
  the  coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same as
  Starbucks - no  chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee -
  except in  Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time
  they give you nothing, it's  worth four times as much.
  Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy  a cookie  in Starbucks? Buy
  a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear  down a building with
  that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At  Starbucks,  you're
  going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and  it's $9.50.
  And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know
  that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks?
  Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents.  If it
  reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't
  give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They
  tell you
  where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese?  Over
  here. Sugar? Sugar is  here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk
  around with a tray. "I'll  take the cookie. Where's the butter? The
  butter's here. Where's the cream  cheese? The cream cheese is there."
  You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the
  guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips."
  You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money.
  Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.
  They don't give you a waiter or a busboy.  Now you've become the
  janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old  Jews are
  walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait,
  I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
  If I  said to  you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a
  whole new type  of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents
  for coffee I'll  charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that,
  I'll have no tables,  no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean
  it up for 20 minutes  after you're finished." Would you say to me,
  "That's the greatest idea for  a business I ever heard!  We can open a
  chain of these all over the  world!"
  No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get
  away with it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi
  bastard son-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect,
  because I don't like to talk about people.